I went on telly and did interviews and all sorts - I’ve no idea how - then I went on holiday and that’s when things really got ugly. I held things together for the following three weeks until the book promotion was over. I wish now I’d taken it and given myself some respite. I took the antidepressants but was afraid of the Xanax because of my addictive nature (I’m a recovering alcoholic) - it’s an addictive drug. I have a fantastic GP, who prescribed antidepressants and Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think and my breaths were short little gasps from just below my breastbone. The sort of primal fear I’d only previously experienced in nightmares. I’d always been comfortable doing interviews and I actually loved doing readings and meeting the people who read my books. The publicity round would make anyone anxious.’īut it wasn’t anxiety. When I tried telling people how strange I felt, they nodded understandingly and said: ‘No wonder. I was in the middle of promoting my tenth novel - I’d been writing for 15 years and 23 million copies of my books had been sold worldwide. Over the next few days it got steadily worse. I was certain that if I reached safety, this strange, terrible feeling would dissipate.
I felt like I was dreaming - months later, I discovered this feeling has a name, disembodiment - but my mouth managed to keep saying the right words until it was time to leave with my husband. But she looked pointy and strange and unfamiliar. There was a woman standing in front of me - apparently we were having a conversation. Oh right, of course, I was married to him. I watched one of the men kicking down a wooden wall. The day was warm, the mood festive and everyone wanted a go with the chainsaw. It was a ‘shed-dismantling’ party - an ancient shed was in need of being taken down, so my friends had rounded up everyone they knew, hired a chainsaw and bought some wine. It was a sunny October afternoon in 2009, I was in a garden with lots of people I knew and liked, and suddenly I started to feel afraid. Like every cell in my body was vibrating, and not in a pleasant way.
Meltdown: Marian Keyes was so severely depressed that she says she contemplated suicide up to 40 times a dayĪ buzzing feeling was the first thing I noticed.
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